[00:00.00]Text     The Emotional Bank Account--Secrets of Happy Families
　　[00:08.59]The Emotional Bank Account is like a financial bank account in one way:
　　[00:15.44]you can make"deposits"--actions that build trust
　　[00:20.79]--or you can make"withdrawals"that decrease it.
　　[00:26.36]It represents the quality of the relationship you have with other people.
　　[00:32.52]If you have a high balance,then communication is open and free.
　　[00:39.18]Let me share ideas for"deposits"you can make in your family:Cultivate kindness.
　　[00:47.26]Many years ago I spent an evening out with two of my sons.
　　[00:53.79]In the middle of the movie,Sean,then four,fell asleep.
　　[00:59.95]His older brother Stephen,six,stayed awake,
　　[01:05.52]and we watched the rest of the movie together.
　　[01:10.27]When it was over,I carried Sean to the car.
　　[01:15.31]It was cold,so I took off my coat and gently put it over him.
　　[01:21.87]When we arrived home,I carried Sean in,then lay down next to Stephen to talk.
　　[01:29.73]Suddenly he asked"Daddy,if I were cold,would you put your coat around me,too?
　　[01:38.38]Of all the events of our night out together,
　　[01:43.34]the most important was a little act of kindness--a showing of love to his brother.
　　[01:51.49]In relationships,the little things are the big things.
　　[01:56.85]They go a long way toward building trust and unconditional love.
　　[02:03.30]Just think about the impact in your family of using words of courtesy
　　[02:09.54]such as thank you and please.
　　[02:13.80]Or unexpected acts of service,
　　[02:17.85]such as taking children shopping for something that's important to them.
　　[02:24.09]Or finding little ways to express love,
　　[02:28.64]such as leaving a note in a lunch box or briefcase.
　　[02:33.99]Earn an"A":apologize.
　　[02:39.06]Perhaps nothing tests our capacity to initiate change
　　[02:44.70]as much as saying"I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends.
　　[02:51.36]That was wrong of me."
　　[02:54.52]"Sweetheart,I apologize for cutting you off.I was so rude.Please forgive me."
　　[03:01.89]Sometimes apologizing is incredibly hard,
　　[03:06.96]but the effort says,"Our relationship is very important to me."
　　[03:13.41]And that kind of communication builds the Emotional Bank Account.
　　[03:19.47]Learn loyalty.
　　[03:23.26]Next to apologizing,
　　[03:26.92]one of the most important deposits a person can make is to be loyal to family members when they are not present.
　　[03:36.06]In other words,talk about others as if they were there.
　　[03:41.91]That doesn't mean you're unaware of their weaknesses.
　　[03:46.87]It means,rather,that you focus on the positive
　　[03:51.84]--and that if you do talk about weak-nesses,
　　[03:56.28]you do it in such a way that you wouldn't be ashamed to have the person overhear it.
　　[04:02.65]A friend had an 18-year-old son
　　[04:06.91]whose habits annoyed his brothers and sisters.
　　[04:11.95]When the boy wasn't there,the family often talked about him.
　　[04:17.83]At one point,
　　[04:20.88]this friend decided to follow the principle of being loyal to those not present
　　[04:28.25]When such conversations developed,
　　[04:32.40]he gently interrupted and said something good
　　[04:37.16]that he had observed his son doing.
　　[04:41.21]Soon the conversation would shift to more interesting subjects.
　　[04:47.16]Our friend said he soon felt that the others began to connect with this principle of family loyalty.
　　[04:55.94]They realized that he'd also defend them if they were not present.
　　[05:02.29]And in some unexplainable manner
　　[05:07.25]--perhaps because be he started seeing his son differently
　　[05:12.29]--this change improved his Emotional Bank Account.
　　[05:17.44]Make--and keep--promises.
　　[05:21.70]Over the years people asked if I had one simple idea
　　[05:27.97]that would help others cope with problems,
　　[05:32.09]seize opportunities and make their lives successful.
　　[05:37.84]I give a four-word answer:"make and keep promises."
　　[05:45.10]My daughter,Cynthia,recalls something that happened when she was 12 years old
　　[05:51.58]:"Dad promised to take me with him on a business trip to San Francisco.

　　[05:57.54]We talked about the trip for months.
　　[06:01.67]After his meetings,we planned to take a cab to Chinatown
　　[06:07.52]and have our favorite food and see a movie.
　　[06:11.96]I was dying with expectation.
　　[06:16.40]"The day finally arrived.
　　[06:20.06]The hours dragged by as I waited for Dad to finish work.
　　[06:26.22]At about 6:30,he arrived with an influential business acquaintance
　　[06:32.46]who wanted to take us to dinner.
　　[06:36.02]My disappointment was bigger than life.
　　[06:40.88]"I will never forget Dad saying to him,
　　[06:45.73]'I'd love to see you,but this is a special time with my girl.
　　[06:52.29]We've got it planned to the minute.'
　　[06:56.37]We did everything.That was just about the happiest time of my life.
　　[07:03.63]I don't think any young girl ever loved her father as much as I loved mine that night."
　　[07:11.49]I'm convinced that you would be hard pressed to come up with a deposit that has more impact in the family
　　[07:20.03]than making and keeping promises.
　　[07:24.58]Don't forget to forgive.
　　[07:28.63]For many,the ultimate deposit to the Emotional Bank Account comes in forgiving.
　　[07:35.89]When you forgive,you open the channels for trust and unconditional love.
　　[07:42.65]You cleanse your heart.
　　[07:46.18]You also remove a major obstacle that keeps others from changing
　　[07:52.84]--because then you don't fogive,you put yourself between people and their conscience.
　　[08:00.42]Instead of spending their energy on work with their own conscience,
　　[08:06.27]they spend it defending and justifying their behavior to you.
　　[08:12.30]In everything you do for your family,
　　[08:16.85]keep in mind the miracle of the Chinese bamboo.
　　[08:22.20]After the seed is planted,
　　[08:25.97]new,taller shoots appear until the bamboo reaches full height.
　　[08:32.13]But the most dramatic growth is underground,where the roots grow very strong.
　　[08:39.89]With this support,the bamboo can reach a height of 120 feet!
　　[08:47.05]The Emotional Bank Account can be like that.
　　[08:51.80]As you begin to make deposits,you may see positive results immediately.
　　[08:57.97]More often it will take weeks,months,even years.
　　[09:03.71]But results will come,and you will be astonished at the change.